


It's Sure Been a Cold, Cold Winter

by footprintsinthesnow



Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki (Manga)
Genre: Alcohol, Excessive Drinking, Post-breakup, but the ending is hopeful i think, it's a sad one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 20:10:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18818137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/footprintsinthesnow/pseuds/footprintsinthesnow
Summary: Hatori is struggling to cope with his feelings of guilt and loss after erasing Kana's memories.





	It's Sure Been a Cold, Cold Winter

Some part of him knew that Kana would be ashamed if she were here to see him right now, but that part had been violently drowned in alcohol hours ago. It felt good, he thought, to let himself forget for just a little while. After all, he took her pain away by making her forget, so now he would do the same for himself. With every sip of his drink she faded more and more completely from his mind. This is what he needed. Since he last saw her, his mind had been stuck in a cold and dark winter; thoughts accumulated in his mind like a relentless snowfall, and he needed shelter from the storm.

He deserved that, didn’t he? For days on end he had sat alone in this house, picking apart every single piece of her that remained there. Whenever he went to the kitchen he smelled the coffee she made for them on the mornings he didn’t have to immediately rush out to take care of one of Akito’s frequent fevers. In the living room, he could hear her giggling over the silly TV shows she liked to watch, and always somehow convinced him to sit down and watch with her too. In his bedroom, he saw her eyes widen when he awkwardly asked her if she’d like to try that thing Shigure told him about – and blush furiously as she shook her head no. Sometimes he even thought that he felt her next to him, brushing her delicate fingers against his arm; that was how she liked to show her affection, he remembered bitterly, since hugging was never an option for them. It all felt so cruel; he had always been so amazed by the human body’s senses and how they functioned in unison to allow him to experience the world around him. Now, he wanted nothing more than to lose them all and disappear completely. 

He was getting there, to his own satisfaction. Everything felt foggy now. The rational part of him continued to nag and wondered if he should try to get up, but he didn’t feel particularly inclined to move. So, he took another long swig of his drink – what was he drinking now, anyway? At this point it all tasted the same – and slumped back against the wall. It was getting dark, he noticed, though he wasn’t sure if it was because of his own poor vision or the sun going down. Either way, the dark was strangely comforting. A few sips later, his muscles relaxed and he resigned himself to falling into the blackness that surrounded him.

\---- 

“Hello?”

Hatori stirred at the noise and an angry burst of pain shot through his temple as the sunlight hit his eyes. “Ah, fuck,” he mumbled, lifting his hand and pressing it against the offending spot on his head. 

“Haa-san?” 

The words sent another explosive ache through his head. “Please be quiet,” he said, his voice wavering. A few seconds later, his name was called out again, louder this time. 

He sighed. “Shigure. I’m in here.”

Quick footsteps moved in his direction until the man was in front of him. Not that Hatori could see him all too well; without his glasses, his friend looked like a tall, fuzzy shadow. Still, his obnoxious voice was all he needed to know who had come to visit. 

“You look like hell, Haa-san.”

Hatori could only stare at him.

“It smells like a bar in here… you’ve been drinking, I see.”

“No,” he protested.

“Well, your argument would certainly be a lot more convincing if you didn’t have that wine bottle sitting two feet away from you,” Shigure said. Hatori could hear the faintest hint of amusement in his voice. If he wasn’t so exhausted, it might have made him feel the annoyance that typically stemmed from one of Shigure’s visits. “But, I’m thinking you’ve had a lot more than just wine. Either that or you’re a lightweight, which I personally know you’re not. As much as you might try to forget it, Aya and I both remember that time after we graduated. That was fun. Why don’t we do stuff like that anymore?”

“Shigure. Please stop talking.”

In front of him he could see Shigure crouch. They looked at each other in silence for some time. He wished he had his glasses so he could decipher whatever was happening in Shigure’s eyes. He wanted to believe that he might find something softer than the usual scheming glint, something genuinely kind, but he didn’t know if his friend was capable of such sincere emotions.

“Hatori?”

“Hm.”

“Are you doing okay?”

Hatori scoffed. “I think you can answer that yourself.”

“I mean, yes. It’s clear you aren’t doing well. But I’m giving you a chance to talk about it. Isn’t that what people do when they’re trying to check in on someone?”

“Is that what you’re doing?”

“Yes.”

“Did Akito ask you to?” Hatori asked, shifting his eyes away.

“No. I will admit that she’s been asking where you are, since you’re her doctor and she’s sick all the time. But I’m here of my own accord. Even if she did ask me, I can’t say I’m particularly inclined to listen to her as of late. So, I’m only here today as your friend, wondering why I haven’t heard from you in so long.”

“It hasn’t been that long.”

“It’s been long enough. Aya is practically in hysterics now that he can’t reach you.”

“Ayame is always in hysterics, he will be fine.”

He felt Shigure rest his hand against his knee. “That might be true, but this isn’t like you. You’re not like us. You’re reliable, you pick up your phone and check in with us. You don’t disappear for days on end to do this. Have you left your house at all since… you know…”

Hatori kept his gaze fixed on the floor. 

“Have you at least been, I don’t know, eating, sleeping? Because, if I’m being honest, you look like you need a doctor yourself. And you smell terrible, when’s the last time you showered?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“I don’t even know what day it is.”

With that, Shigure was on his feet again. Hatori’s head snapped up, trying to follow what he was doing. Before he could catch up, arms hooked beneath him and picked him up off the floor. “Fuck, Shigure, put me down – ”

“I can’t, Haa-san. I came all the way over here, so I’m going to force you to get it together again. We’re starting with a shower.”

“We?”

“Not like that. I’m not Aya. I’m just getting you in there so you’ll actually clean yourself up a bit.”

True to his word, Shigure carried him all the way down the hall and set him down in the shower. “You can toss your clothes outside the door,” he instructed, “I’ll fetch you something to wear.” When he left, Hatori stripped down and cracked the door open to set the clothes on the hallway floor. He stared at the shower for a moment, realizing that it really had been too long since he’d used it. He turned it on and adjusted the heat so the water steamed and curled into the air upon hitting the tiles. In the warmth, the pulsating pain of his headache eased a little, much to his relief. Under the stream, he imagined the grime washing away from him and falling down the drain. He ran his fingers through his hair and worked through the knots and tangles that had made a home there until they were gone. He scrubbed at his skin until it was raw and red but undeniably clean. God, it felt so good to be clean.

As he finished his shower, dressed, and began to make his way down the hall, he could hear the sounds of footsteps and cupboards in the kitchen. “Shigure? What are you doing?” he asked the blurry figure flitting around the room.

“Ah! Did you have a good shower, Haa-san?”

“I did.”

Shigure smiled. “Good. I’ve put your glasses on the table over here so you can see a little better. Now, sit with me. I’ve scraped together a meal for you.”

“It smells like… nothing. Have you made rice?”

“That’s exactly what it is. You know I’m not a good cook. Besides, you don’t have very much here right now. You should be thankful I saved you the trouble of making something yourself. Now, sit,” he said, gesturing to the space across from him as Hatori put on his glasses and settled in at the table. 

“How are you doing?” Shigure asked.

“Hm?” Hatori mumbled, swallowing a bite of rice. “My wounds are healing well. I’m lucky, actually. Facial wounds can cause a lot of problems, it could have gotten infected. My eye… well, I’ll never be able to see out of it the way I used to, but my vision was never perfect to begin with. I’ll adjust.”

“That’s good to hear. But, I meant, you know, emotionally. How are you doing with everything that’s happened?”

“We already had this conversation.”

“Not really. All we did was establish that you’ve been living in your own filth.”

“That’s a bit of an exaggeration.”

“Whatever you say. Listen, Hatori,” Shigure said slowly, fiddling with the hem of his robe, “I think we need to have a serious talk about things.”

“Things?”

“You’re a smart man, much smarter than I am, so please don’t pretend you haven’t the faintest idea of what I’m referring to.”

Hatori sighed. “I don’t want to talk about her, Shigure.”

“Perhaps not, but you should.”

“And why is that?”

“Can we please stop with the bullshit? Look at you, Hatori. I came here this morning to find you passed out on the floor. You clearly hadn’t showered or changed your clothes in days, you’d had God knows how much to drink, and you weren’t talking to anyone. Had I not shown up, I’m positive you’d either still be unconscious or back to drinking yourself to death. That has never been your way of dealing with bad things, not for as long as I’ve known you – and I’ve always known you. And, as someone with some… less than healthy coping mechanisms, I know what it looks like when someone has hit rock bottom. So, I’m going to make you talk about what’s going on, and I won’t leave until you’ve told me.”

“You’re insufferable.”

“I know. It’s both a blessing and a curse. Today, in your case, it’s a blessing. Haa-san, please tell me why you’re doing this to yourself.”

“I…” Hatori started, shaking his head, “I don’t know. I was asking myself that, at first. I knew I should stop. I knew she wouldn’t want to see me do that to myself. But… I just couldn’t. When I was drinking, I felt alright for the first time since she went away – I could let myself pretend that nothing was wrong.”

“Drinking is good for that.”

“It let me pretend that she was never here. That I’d never loved her… and that I’d never lost her. Being drunk made me feel like I was separated from all of that, and from myself.” He paused to take a small bite of rice. It was getting cold, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Ever since that day, all I’ve been able to feel is guilt.” Hatori glanced up at Shigure, who was staring intently at the table in front of him. “I feel so much guilt. For everything. I just… I should have known better than to fall in love with Kana. It was really inevitable, wasn’t it, that I would hurt her. I tricked her into thinking it would be possible for someone like to me to have a life with someone like her. I really made her think we could do it, even when I knew it could never happen. I knew Akito would never allow it, but I ignored all of that because I didn’t want to let go of her. And then I ruined her because I was so selfish. She blamed herself for all of it, did you know that? My injury, she thought it was her fault. The way she talked, you’d have thought she was the one that tried to claw my eye out. And I lied to her. I told her we would be okay, that we would find a way through. She believed me, and she smiled when I said it too, but she couldn’t handle the guilt. So, I took it away from her to let her be happy again, and now it’s mine. I won’t pass it along to anyone else. It’s my burden to bear now. I won’t let anyone else feel the way that she felt.”

“That’s an awfully heavy burden to bear alone.”

“What else am I supposed to do? No one deserves to end up like her. And if that means driving people away, making them fear me… I don’t care. No one should get too close to me, or any of us. We’re not safe. We can only hurt people.”

Shigure frowned, looking at Hatori with worried eyes. “You don’t think that’s a little extreme?”

“I don’t. Not if it means I can stop this from happening again.”

“You don’t deserve this, Haa-san.”

“How would you know? I’ve done plenty of immoral things without a second thought. This is just the first time I realized how capable I am of hurting people.”

“Maybe so,” Shigure said, shrugging his shoulders, “but everyone does bad things sometimes. It doesn’t mean they’re necessarily bad people themselves. You’re certainly not. You don’t need to become some kind of martyr, or spend your life scaring people off so they don’t become like Kana.”

“I don’t have any other choice.”

“Well, I’d prefer you find a choice that doesn’t involve you living with so much guilt that you turn into an alcoholic just to cope with it.”

“I wouldn’t do that.”

“Really?” 

“I’m not a child, Shigure,” he growled. “I’m a grown man. I can control myself.”

“All I’m saying is –”

“Who the hell are you to say anything?” Hatori snapped. His voice was shaking now, and he could see Shigure’s expression change to something he didn’t recognize. “I’m going to do what I need to do, and you will let me. Do you understand me?”

Shigure wasn’t looking at him anymore. “Haa-san. I don’t want you to suffer any more than you already have. You’ve been through so much. You’re my friend. Please don’t do this to yourself. Give yourself a break.”

“I don’t know how to,” Hatori whispered, his voice cracking completely as tears welled in his eyes. “It hurts so much, and I don’t know where I’m supposed to go from here. All I want is to stop feeling. I keep wishing someone would take away all of my memories of her so I can stop hurting. But that can never happen, no matter how much I drink or wish for it. So, I’m left at a crossroads. I let myself do the same thing over and over again until the guilt consumes me entirely, or I make an example out of this so it never has to happen again. Do you understand?”

“I do,” Shigure said softly.

“You don’t need to waste your time worrying about me. I’m not going to drink anymore. Not like that. I promise.”

“Good.”

“However,” Hatori said quietly, wringing his hands beneath the table, “you can’t make me change my mind about this. I don’t care if I’m alone forever, or if everyone hates me. It’s what I have to do.”

“I know.”

“Thank you.”

Shigure shifted slightly to face Hatori directly. “You know, it’s okay to miss her. To remember her, and let yourself feel pain because you’re still in love with her. You deserve to let yourself feel that. You’re not a bad person, or a monster, or whatever else you’re thinking. I won’t stop you from doing what you need to do to protect people. But you don’t need to close yourself off forever because you feel like you deserve to be punished. Let me put it this way – someday, when the pain from all of this has dulled, allow Kana to be a reminder to not give up on yourself. Because she did love you, and she accepted you. It’s possible for you to find someone who will want you as fully as you want them, and for it to end happily. She’s out there somewhere. Who knows, you even might have met her already.”

“I doubt that.”

“Oh, I don’t. I’m rarely ever wrong.”

Hatori smiled. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, there was truth to that.

\----

Two weeks later, Hatori returned to work. His office was smaller than he remembered, and much dustier. He set his briefcase down and dug through his desk for a cloth to wipe down the table with. He finally found some unused wrappings and swiped them along the surface, watching as the white fabric accumulated clouds of gray fluff. He tossed it in the trashcan that was tucked away behind the filing cabinet, picked up the briefcase, and sat down in his chair. For a second he glanced around the room, remembering the moments Kana had spent here with him. Usually nothing more than quick hellos or relayed messages from patients that had called, but moments nonetheless. After one last look around, he set the briefcase on the desk and began to pry the buckles open. The one on the left always got stuck, he recalled, as he failed to open it on the first try. Inside was the usual fare; paperwork, some basic medical supplies he preferred to keep with him at all times, and his lab coat. He carefully picked up the coat and began to unfold it. As he undid the final fold, he found what he had been searching for. He let out a breath of relief when he saw it had not been damaged in transit.

In front of him now was Kana – or, a photograph of her. He could still remember the day the photograph had been taken. It was in the springtime, and they had gone for a walk in a quiet garden somewhere beautiful. She had been standing underneath a cherry blossom tree, staring at the petals as they floated gently to the ground. When one landed in her hair, she smiled and turned to show him. He had smiled too, seeing her so full of joy. So, he took a photograph of her. She had never seen it, she hadn’t wanted to. She had said that she had everything she wanted right in her head. There was something cruel, he thought, about the fact that she would never remember how happy she had been that day – but he wouldn’t let himself think of that right now. She would find new happiness, something greater and more beautiful than she had ever experienced with him. He was sure of that. And perhaps, somehow, Shigure was right. When he looked at the photo he could see the love that radiated from her soft eyes. It had been real, something tangible that he held in his heart for those far too short months. Logically, that meant it could happen again. Somebody could love him, and it didn’t have to fall apart. But that wouldn’t happen for a long time, he knew. The storm in his mind was still too heavy for such good things to do anything but suffocate and die. Someday, though… someday the storm would cease and the snow would slowly begin to melt away. Then, maybe, there would once again be enough space in his heart for love to bloom.

**Author's Note:**

> \- hope you guys liked this!!!  
> \- come hang out with me on tumblr @machi-kuragi  
> \- title from "winter" by the rolling stones  
> \- a big shout-out to @lhatsuharu on tumblr for beta-ing this for me!!


End file.
